For as long as I can remember I have suffered with depression and
anxiety. I have only been officially
diagnosed for depression so I don’t know if the depression causes anxiety or I
have 2 separate afflictions but for the simplicity of this blog I will refer to
either/both as disease in the singular.
My school had kindergarten every day for ½ a day. You either went in the morning or
afternoon. I was an afternoon kid. We had another girl in my neighborhood who
was afternoon so her mom would pick me up and we would go together. I assume my mom used to drive us home but I
have no memory of those rides home. My
mom told me how much I hated going to school.
Now mind you my memories of kindergarten are good ones. I remember
learning to tie my shoes and helping get the trays of milk cartons and one guy
bringing in a sombrero for “show and tell” and I remember moving the beads on
the abacus to take attendance and singing songs and playing with the giant
blocks that looked like bricks and I remember kissing a boy on the head in the
play house because I thought he looked like Robby Benson. (Not my first kiss I might add.)
However, mom said I used to BEG her not to make me go to school. In fact, she laughed as she told me I told
her “you can keep me home and beat me all day just don’t make me go”. I also remember that during my preteen years,
I would love to go to restaurants and order food and then would refuse to eat
it. I remember the panicky, nervous
feeling my stomach would knot up and I would feel like I would throw up if I
ate. I also remember around that time
our church planning a trip to an amusement park and looking so forward to it
and how we were all going to ride on the back of a pickup truck (with a cap)
there and how much I loved doing that but when the morning of the day came
being terrified to go.
Later in Jr. High, I joined a softball team and then would panic
when I had to go to the games and again remember begging my mom to let me quit
the team. I don’t know why I had this disease and like I
said I wasn’t official diagnosed with anything until many years later.
During my turbulent teen years I suffered from eating disorders
(before they had a name) and was an active self- harmer (again before it was
discussed and I thought I was the only one).
When I was 18 I met my 1st husband. We divorced over 16 years later. Our relationship was dysfunctional to say the
least. There were various types of abuse
and it did nothing to help my low esteem or my disease. Again, this took place before there were
certain laws and law enforcement re-acted very differently back then to domestic
situations. While my emotional state and
spirit was being attacked on a daily basis, he was the only man who ever loved
me and I thought we were supposed to be together. So I stayed.
Stay Tuned for Part -2
No comments:
Post a Comment