What I Did Over Summer....

Remember how every fall your Teacher would ask you to write a theme about what you did over the summer? Well I feel like I am about to undertake the same type of task. 

Last time I posted, we were getting ready to leave the South and head up North for the summer months. The following entry takes place during our time up North.

I was at the drag races recently and they had called for possible storms in the area. It was a large event and of course everyone was hoping the storms would miss us; or at least wanted to get as much racing in before it started. You could see people looking up every few minutes to check out the condition of the skies. At one point the start line of the track was under sunny skies; however the sky at the end of the quarter mile was black and scary. 

I started to feel a sense of dread rising up in me and then the lyrics came to me:

“If your eye is on the storm, you’ll wonder if I love you still, but if your eye is on the cross, you’ll know I always have and I always will.”

I smiled and thought WHY am I looking at the sky with anxiety and worry? Looking and worrying will not have any effect on the weather and will only make me miss the racing that was taking place. 

I then focused on the show and enjoyed my remaining time at the event until the rain did come. It came during a clear time in the skies and totally unexpectedly. I felt 1 drop then another about a minute later. Then the skies opened up and the rain gushed down as the crowd ran for shelter.  A few days later, I started having fear again about our money situation. While we were fine at the moment, I started playing the “what if” game and trying to find an answer for problems that had not even yet occurred. Again the line came to me and I thought about the stormy skies.

I realized then what that line really means. I always thought it meant to give your worries to God and I thought that whenever I started worrying I should do so with the caveat that yes I had this worry but God will find the answer. 

Instead another thought came to mind. It’s not that I should include God in my worry; I should be too busy praising God that I don’t have the time or energy to worry.
 
Replace : Worry + God
with: God instead of worry.
 
As I stated in previous posts, I struggle with ADD tendencies so if I do not stay really busy, I become restless and anxious and try to find a way to busy myself. 

"Be still and know I am God" is not something I find very easy to do.  My busying activities include fidgeting, talking, multi-tasking, eating or I will find something really destructive. 

I will often tell people, keep me busy or I will find a way to get myself into trouble. Apparently when I am not busy, worrying, fretting, trying to gain control over things I have no business trying to control is another activity I will seek out. 

I decided then that I will strive to try instead to listen to a podcast or read something that is inspiring or even sing a song that glorifies God. I will try to be mindful of what I am doing with my body and mind. I will choose how to react to the stillness instead of just getting through it by any means necessary. I will set my eyes on the only One that can bring me peace.

Unwelcome/Enemy Mine Part 2

Part 2, The Adult years

After much agonizing thought, I decided I needed to leave.  I was sure he would find me and torment me so I arranged with a friend to leave during a work day when he thought I was at work.  I packed everything we could fit into my car and I moved out.  Later he did find me and it was not a pretty sight but at least I was gone. 

Eventually he moved out of the apartment we shared and I moved back in.  Even though we were living apart, I just couldn’t seem to file for divorce.  I felt like a failure.  It felt like divorce would only make it official.  I was unlovable.  I had my chance to make a man love me and he couldn’t and now I was to spend the rest of my life alone.  I know it sounds so dramatic and theatrical but those were my thoughts.  My beliefs.  I struggled with a divorce and what the bible stated were valid reasons to get one.  Surely God didn’t want me to live with this abuse.  I was becoming more distant with God and my church family.  I was becoming negative and withdrawn and turning into someone I didn’t like.  I was struggling all day every day.  Surely God had a better plan for me than this. 

I remember sitting on my couch with a cup in my hand.  It was a small apartment that took probably 5 steps to get to the sink and I remember just sitting there on the couch for the longest time with that cup in my hand unable to get up and take it to the sink.  Not being functional was not an option to me as I was living alone and alone responsible for my bills.  I had been trying to cover my pain in by many unmentionable means during this time and was just trying to find a way to get through the day, the minute, and the second.  Finally I broke down and contacted my EAP through work and starting working to find a permanent counselor to help me.  It always amazed me the things I would hear come out of my mouth.  I swear I would walk in there and just listen and my mouth would run on and I would learn how I felt by just listening to myself talk.  The Dr. was never one to really give much input except for gently nudging the conversation if I seemed stuck.  She urged me to identify my own problems and suggest my own solutions.  She would rarely intervene and veto my thoughts but acted more like a lifeguard.  Just sitting by and watching and listening; ready to jump in if I got into trouble. 

Along with my counselor my physician put me on some anti-depressants and they seemed to give me the motivation to continue walking.  One step at a time, one moment at time and slowly I was able to function without the medicine and the visits to the therapist.   The divorce was finalized and I was still alive. 

I went years living my life with everyday struggles but managing.  I then came across another time where I couldn’t cope.  This time it was easier to identify what was coming and I reached out for help before I got to the point I couldn’t move.  One Christmas, I lost my first pet.  She was a 16 year old cat who I loved dearly and had since she was a kitten.  While she had been ill (and looking back, I probably should have put her down before this) I had no idea she was dying and watching her suffer was horrible.  Less than a month later I had to put down my 17 year old cat who I had since she was born.  She was without any symptoms until shortly after the 1^st cat died.   She was in pain and the Dr. said she would never get better so I made the decision to end her suffering.   Every day I feel guilty for waiting too long to act with my first cat and guilty for maybe acting too soon the second time.      

The day I had to put the 2nd cat down, I had taken the day off work.  That afternoon I got a call stating that my co-worker who I shared an office with had died unexpectedly. 

A couple months later, I got a call that my sister died unexpectedly.  It was a like a blow to the stomach.   I became panicky.  Still later that year I found out my former best friend of many years died of cancer (I was not even aware she was ill) and I also lost multiple other family members. 

I started refusing to answer my phone. 

The losses were coming way too quickly for me to process and again I found myself reaching out for help.  Again I sat and listening to how the losses were affecting me while during the rest of my week, I heard myself trying to make others laugh and trying to be helpful and friendly.  I frantically reached for healthy alternatives to handling the stress.  Together with my counselor we identified options that were not self-destructive.  Long baths, writing, walks, etc.  Again I was prescribed something to help with the depression/anxiety, whatever it was I was suffering. 

For over a year, I dreaded answering my phone and was sure that everyone around me was going to die and leave me.  Eventually the deaths slowed.   I kept thinking maybe NOW I can go off the meds and stop therapy but, the rollercoaster kept moving. 

 

 

Unwelcome/Enemy Mine Part 1

For as long as I can remember I have suffered with depression and anxiety.  I have only been officially diagnosed for depression so I don’t know if the depression causes anxiety or I have 2 separate afflictions but for the simplicity of this blog I will refer to either/both as disease in the singular.

My school had kindergarten every day for ½ a day.  You either went in the morning or afternoon.  I was an afternoon kid.  We had another girl in my neighborhood who was afternoon so her mom would pick me up and we would go together.  I assume my mom used to drive us home but I have no memory of those rides home.   My mom told me how much I hated going to school.  Now mind you my memories of kindergarten are good ones. I remember learning to tie my shoes and helping get the trays of milk cartons and one guy bringing in a sombrero for “show and tell” and I remember moving the beads on the abacus to take attendance and singing songs and playing with the giant blocks that looked like bricks and I remember kissing a boy on the head in the play house because I thought he looked like Robby Benson.  (Not my first kiss I might add.) 

However, mom said I used to BEG her not to make me go to school.  In fact, she laughed as she told me I told her “you can keep me home and beat me all day just don’t make me go”.  I also remember that during my preteen years, I would love to go to restaurants and order food and then would refuse to eat it.  I remember the panicky, nervous feeling my stomach would knot up and I would feel like I would throw up if I ate.  I also remember around that time our church planning a trip to an amusement park and looking so forward to it and how we were all going to ride on the back of a pickup truck (with a cap) there and how much I loved doing that but when the morning of the day came being terrified to go. 

Later in Jr. High, I joined a softball team and then would panic when I had to go to the games and again remember begging my mom to let me quit the team.   I don’t know why I had this disease and like I said I wasn’t official diagnosed with anything until many years later.

During my turbulent teen years I suffered from eating disorders (before they had a name) and was an active self- harmer (again before it was discussed and I thought I was the only one). 

When I was 18 I met my 1^st husband.  We divorced over 16 years later.  Our relationship was dysfunctional to say the least.  There were various types of abuse and it did nothing to help my low esteem or my disease.  Again, this took place before there were certain laws and law enforcement re-acted very differently back then to domestic situations.  While my emotional state and spirit was being attacked on a daily basis, he was the only man who ever loved me and I thought we were supposed to be together.  So I stayed. 

 

Stay Tuned for Part -2

 

Welcome...

This past Sunday I headed to a small church here where we have been staying.  Of the 4 Sundays we have been here, this would make my 3^rd Sunday I have attended this particular church.  The 1^st Sunday the service consisted of a concert from an outside group they brought in.  There were about 70 people in attendance.  I sat in the back row and had very little contact with anyone except for a hello or good morning as I entered the building. 

The 2^nd week I sat closer towards the front and right behind me was the designated “Amen” person.  You know how every church has that person or persons that cheer on the pastor?  Yup, she was right behind me.  They were initiating (I don’t know the right term) new members and so part of the service was the new members standing before the congregation pledging their..…?...membership.  There were about 40-50 people there and the entire congregation then made its way up through the receiving line of the 7 or so new members.  This resulted in a 7 handshakes and/or hugs from them as I walked by. 

Right as I turned to leave, a member of the praise team who had been sitting in front of me came up behind me and said hello and gave me her name.   She also gave me a compliment but that was the end of the exchange.  I thanked the pastor for a good sermon and went on my way.

As I was headed into the church this Sunday I was debating on what the subject of my next blog would be and I was thinking how I have  mostly attended churches where my family members attended and my subject was going to be how members of churches welcomed (or didn’t welcome) new guests. 

At this point, I would have thought after 2 visits, someone would have asked me my name or something about me.  The town and church is very small so it wasn’t like in Valdosta where I could blend in with the large crowd.

When I entered the sanctuary, I didn’t see the singer who had introduced herself so I again found a seat in the back corner of the church.  As the church members began entering, they greeted each other with hugs and handshakes, joking with each other.  I started feeling very alone and wondering if indeed, this WAS where I was supposed to be and I knew there were 2 other nearby churches of my denomination and started wondering which I should try next week. 

The service started with some singing and then during the time where they had welcomed their new members last time, this time they invited everyone to greet the people near them.  I quickly turned to the lady next to me and shook her hand and gave her a quick hug.  While I am pretty outgoing and friendly, I stayed pretty close to my seat as I greeted those who approached me with a good morning and good to see you.  A couple of the women reached out for a hug and I complied.  This seemed to open a flood gate of new greeters and hugs/handshakes although still no questions about who I was or how it came to be that I was there. 

After a few more songs and the offering, the preacher delivered the message.  The eye opening I received from that message I will save for another entry but it was good and it was "message received".  The pastor asked us all to join hands with the person(s) next to us and pray for them which I did.  I was in tears by the time we were finished.  Later after the service ended the lady who had been next to me grabbed me and gave me a huge hug.  She thanked me for praying for her.  I was overcome with tears and thanked her as well.  My challenge to all of you that regularly attend church would be to make sure that you not only greet any new visitors but take a moment and ask their name or learn something about them.  You don't have to get too into their business but if you see them singing along or taking notes or otherwise engaged, mention to them "oh I see you enjoyed the music, who is your favorite artist ", etc., so they feel they are someone who people might like to get to know or who may share interests.  

I have had many of my friends asking me if I have sang at my new church yet or if I will be.  I have also addressed that same question to God.  Again, He has given me the same answer as earlier in our trip.  This is my time to sit back and learn.  My grasshopper days.  My time to wax on and wax off.  Don’t worry though, I sang REALLY loudly from the back row !!

Hanging with Manatee

As exciting as this adventure has been, today was one of those few great days in my life.  I don’t know how of these days most people have in their lifetime but today was one of mine.  We had briefly visited Manatee Springs State Park a few weeks ago.  We were able to walk around the park, see the springs and then walked out to the end of the boardwalk where there were a few manatees swimming right below the shore.  There were a few families in canoes and kayaks floating around the animals but we remained on the boardwalk.  After my first sighting which was about 1-2 football fields away, my camera abruptly died and because it was a chilly day, we didn’t stay long.  We vowed to go back when the weather was warmer.

Today was that day.  It got up to 80 and it was mostly sunny.  This morning we decided to look up prices to rent canoes and to see if we could see any wildlife while on our ride.   While I was dying to take this adventure, I was also reluctant as my only other experience with someone on a canoe, many years ago, was NOT pleasant.  It included us tipping over and all of our lunch and gear becoming wet, me being screamed at and berated and what seemed like hours of just horribleness.    I fully explained what had happened and how it made me feel to Adam before we started out.  I needed him to be warned that this experience was very exciting but very scary to me and that there could be no horsing around in the boat and that I would probably make mistakes being that I am so inexperienced with the activity.   He assured me he would be careful and would not yell at me if I did something that resulted in a less than perfect canoe trip.

We drove to the park where you pay a $6.00 fee per car to enter.  During our drive and walk back to the rental area, I was giddy but my stomach was also in knots.  The prices were very reasonable at $20.00 for a two hour rental including boat, paddles and life jackets.  I also explained the to the rental guy that I was nervous and he gave us one of his larger canoes so I would feel more stable.  It was 14 feet and made of plastic.  The worker helped me into the boat and then Adam jumped in the back.  I was sitting in the middle seat (it was a 3 seater) as I wanted the most stable place to be. 

During our first visit, the manatee were swimming at the end of where the springs meet the Suwanee River.  Apparently the West Indian manatee come to the springs during the winter to avoid the cold water.  I also learned that they can live in both salty and fresh water and that they have 1 calf after a 12 month gestation period and their calf stays with them from 12-18 months after. 

 

As we started our paddle, I was surprised at the ease of each stroke.  Somehow I remember it was much harder the first time.   There was no current in the spring’s area and once we reached the end we went against the flow for about ½ mile.  At that point we decided to cross and go to the other side which was now with the current.  By this time we had gotten into a groove and were more comfortable with the activity.  We, along with the current, ended up going back the ½ mile plus about another ½ mile past where we had started.  We decided to turn back to return and of course by this time, we were going against the current back and our two hours was getting close so I was started to get stiff and sore in my shoulders.  Adam said he was fine but he has also been doing a lot of raking lately and let’s face it, he is younger and healthier than me. 

The weather was incredible and the water was still and quiet.  We had spotted many types of birds, some turtles, a snake and some large fish but alas no manatee.  Another couple stated that they had spotted a large alligator further down the direction we originally paddled and I secretly was happy that we didn’t go that far.   We were getting really good at steering by the time we got back and were able to easily maneuver ourselves between the sections of the dock above and into the mouth of the springs. 

 

Then I spotted them!

There were two or three large beige blobs in the water.  From our earlier, much further away viewpoint, I knew what the manatee looked like.  We started paddling slowly towards them and I could NOT believe how large they were.  I knew they were large but until you are directly next to one and have them float under your canoe; you cannot imagine JUST how LARGE they are!  They were beautiful and peaceful and wonderful and I so wanted to touch one of them.  They can stay underwater for periods up to 20 minutes and I did get to see one breach and take a breath.  Their faces reminded me of a seal and he/she quickly lifted their face up and took a deep breath before going back below again to feed. 

 

 

Nearby we saw 2 much smaller manatees eating further into the spring area.  Surprisingly, everyone in the area in boats was very calm and quiet and just floated around enjoying these magnificent creatures.  I tried to video and shoot pictures when we got close.  Between trying to control the boat and my excitement, the opportunities were fleeting but marvelous. 

 

While watching them in person and even after viewing the video and photos, I was teary eyed.  I have always loved animals and watching something so huge and wonderful at such a close range was truly amazing. 

I don’t know what heaven holds but I pray that the river of the water of life as mentioned in the bible is a real river and I hope it contains manatee.

 

 

 

 

Green Acres is the Place to Be....

Week 3…Living Off Grid…

When we first started discussing our plans to go tiny with friends and family they had many questions for us.  So where will you stay?  What about work?  What about the dogs, etc.  I had to shrug my shoulders at many of the questions because not only did I not know, I didn’t even know what all I didn’t know.   You may have seen a post that has been going around the internet of a nice little cabin in the woods asking if you had all of the food you needed would you live in it the month of January for $100,000?  Most people are like YES! Because let’s face it, what WOULDN’T we do for a month for $100,000?!  What they fail to tell you is whether the house is on grid, etc.  Food is only one item to consider before living in that little (probably $30,000 to build) cabin.

So with the 2 weeks in the forest and now over 1 week in a small town living off grid, I have the following to say:

While living without a full hookup (electricity, cable, wireless, sewer, water) is possible and I am sure easier than in years past, it’s still not easy.  There is much more to consider and seemingly a lot more Math :P  (NOT my best subject.)  You have to factor a lot of things into your daily life:

1.    Heating, how do you heat?  Do you run a generator and use an electric heater?  We have an onboard furnace but it needs LP gas so do we use our onboard LP tank or external tank?  The onboard is much larger so it needs filled less frequently but it’s also harder to find places that fill RV tanks (and usually the places that do are much more expensive) and you have to shell out more money at once and move your entire home to fill it.   The smaller tank is more easily filled, less to fill at once but again more frequent fills needed. 

 

2.    Charging phones and tablets and running your refrigerator and TVs.  Again as one, they are easy enough to maintain (well except the frig and microwave which take a LOT of power).  We have to run the generator to maintain the power needed while we microwave.   Adam chose to split up the power so sometimes when the generator is running it’s charging the house batteries which are used for the frig.   Usually, it’s during this time we watch TV and charge our phones, etc.  We have one house battery that is used to do the DC work (yeah I know what?) and that works the furnace blower, the lights and water pump.  We do have some solar panels which generate some energy but we need to get longer cables so we can move them around as needed with the movement of the sun.   Where we are sitting is pretty shaded so they are not used as efficiently as they could be.  We have to be aware of every bit of electricity we are using.  Charging your phone?  Try NOT microwaving a snack while doing so.  Wanna make toast?  No microwaving during that.  Need to dry your hair?  No one can vacuum while you do that. 

 

3.    Data, Data, Data!  UGH DATA!  Because we have both worked for a cable company for so long, it’s easy to forget how much data you are using.  Downloading, streaming, working, surfing, all of it DATA SUCKERS L  I want my house unlimited cable BACK!   Try living on 10 gigs or less a month FOR YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!  Seriously, this is a hard one!

4.    Cable TV, NOPE!  We are lucky in that we get a few local channels over the air but depending on weather we get more or less and don’t forget, that TV sucks a LOT of energy!

 

5.    Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.  Water is probably the easiest item to replenish in that you can purchase all types of jugs to fill and you are able to collect water in a bucket if needed for flushing, etc.  But drinkable water is limited to what your house/rig holds and is as refillable as your neighbor’s hose, nearest rest station, etc.  How much water do YOU use for bathing, showering and dishes, etc. 

 

6.    Waste.  Ok you have used your water and bathroom, now you need to empty those used gray and black tanks.  Where?  You can sometimes find a place like Camping World or a roadside rest with a dump tank.  If those are not available then what?  AND do you buy a portable caddy to empty into then take THAT to dump station or keep taking your rig (and if your tiny is not on wheels then….)???  There can be costs for dumping so something to keep in mind.  Using a composting toilet is one way to eliminate the black tank and limit water usage but again what do you do with the compost?

 

7.    Garbage.  Where are you going to dispose of all of your trash?  How much trash are you responsible for making?  Do you recycle? If so, where do you keep bins or whatever you are using to collect items before taking to recycle? 

 

8.    Laundry.  Do you have a washer/dryer in your tiny?  If so, you are now dealing with the energy to use them and the waste water when you do.   If not, do you have a bathhouse or laundry nearby?   Handy but also have extra cost.  Do you wash in the tiny and then hang to dry?  Again, water being a precious resource. 

 

9.    Pets.  What do you do with your used cat litter?  If you have dogs, what do you do with their waste?  Where do you walk them or exercise them?  What about their baths?

Let’s consider we have figured out all of the answers to the above.  Now consider the other necessities of life.  Those non tangibles if you will.  So all of your truly necessary needs are being met, what do you do all day?  What types of things, places and people do you need in your life to be happy?  What about a church or gym?  Bottom line, what do you DO ALL DAY?!

Depending on where we were and what was available, that drove how I spend my time.   When we were at a full hook up, we had more options.    I have been working some hours remotely so that takes a very small portion of my time.  We also have been looking for land and or our next place to visit or stay so that takes some time (and electric and data).  The pets of course need attention and exercise and feeding, etc.  Also time is needed to maintain the home with groceries, cleaning, laundry, etc.  But what do you do with your time?  Like what do you do for fun if you will?  I really enjoy movies but am limited by the amount of electric (for TV) and data for streaming; even watching a DVD that I own takes power.  What else do YOU need to feel happy and complete?  A good coffee shop nearby?  A place to jog or a gym?  It’s funny how when you break it down to starting from scratch the things you will spend  the time and money to include in your life. 

We have taken some day trips to see the gulf beach and explored some trails and even found a few parks that DID allow dogs (what is with that?) so we have spent quite a bit of our time outside which was our plan.  I found a church when we were in Georgia and attended a few times and am currently attending one in the small town we are staying.  Adam has taken his RC cars to a few parks with tracks and ran them.   Other than that, we really haven’t done a whole lot.  Money is tight, understandably and without a “home base” seeking work is tricky. 

I look forward to a day when we DO have our own land and have our tiny built and can enjoy a nice fenced yard for the dogs to run freely about.  I dream about having unlimited cable internet and a nice big bathtub.  A nearby ice cream shop is welcome along with someplace that makes great breakfast potatoes.  While loved ones in the area would be nice, at least I can use my unlimited data to skype J.   Finding a job that challenges me and allows me to learn something new is always a plus as would be a pool (even a small kiddie type) as long as I am going to be where the weather is nice. 

So you see, living tiny isn’t just about the space you reside in for me.  It’s about taking everything away and rebuilding a life that includes only the things you NEED and LOVE and minimizing all the clutter and unnecessary noise of the crazy lives we recently lived. 

As much as I have learned and Adam has kept us comfortable during the last few weeks, I look forward to the day when he says:

“THAT’S IT, WE ARE GOING BAAAAAACK ON THE GRID!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUuKoI_SMVQ   

                             

Know Jesus, Know Peace. No Jesus, No Peace

So unless you have been living under a rock lately, you are aware that the Power Ball jackpot reached over a BILLION (yes with a B) dollars recently.  Everyone on TV and online was talking about buying tickets and getting into pools and of course what they would do with the money if they won.  I am not exempt in that dream however I knew 100% I wouldn’t win because I don’t play the lottery.  I am not saying I never have but I just choose not to as part of my beliefs.  I won’t go into detail about how I came to that conclusion it’s just what it is. 

However, in my daydream, I had privately decided that I would keep a large portion of the money for myself but would give a very large portion to friends, loved ones and to charities that I support.  I am sure this is similar to what many others would do.  I imagined the looks on the recipient’s faces as I gave them the news that their house was now paid off, or their kids had a college fund or their rescue was now fully funded, etc. 

I had such a sense of warmth thinking about how I would never again have to worry about having enough money or losing my home or car, etc. and how my friends would be able to have anything they wanted and never have to wonder “what if?”  While my tastes are not necessarily for glamorous or expensive items, it would be the peace of knowing that I didn’t have to “worry” anymore.  Now, we all know this is a joke.  There are many wealthy people who have worries.  So was it really the money I was hoping for or the peace that I imaged would come with it?

Isn’t peace something we all chase?  Those who use drugs, alcohol, food or other substances or activities to remove the stress of their lives?  Could a large lottery win really bring us the peace we seek?  Or…would more money and more stuff give us more stress to deal with? 

The next time you read through Facebook or anything really online, look at the headlines and see how many have to do with finding peace or stopping stress, etc.  It’s amazing!  Now think about when in your life you are or have been peaceful.  Yes, there have been times when it has happened after my bills were paid up for the month but life is full of unexpected interruptions.  No matter how organized we are (and I am NOT) we can never be prepared for everything that may come up in our lives.  Inevitably loved ones will get sick or cars will break. 

 

Peace is a moving target unless you get real peace.  This is not the peace that we perceive money can bring.  It’s only through God that you get a peace that cannot be shaken.  I wish I could say that I have achieved this peace but I have not.  Well that is not true.  I have experienced times of this peace but have lost it.  I am studying how to deepen my faith in order to achieve and keep the peace of God.   I find that as soon as I wrap myself too deeply into myself that is when I lose my peace.  The more I focus on helping others and meeting their needs the more peaceful I become.  However that being said, I have also reached the point where I gave more of myself than I have and then I have become stressed and resentful.  Finding that balance and being aware of your own limits is the important part.  Here are a few bible verses that remind me to trust God and stay close to Him and therefore remain more peaceful.